The great exodus has begun. My hair is fleeing my head in unimaginable quantities. My shower drain and bathroom sink look like a Wookiee bathes here. When I rolled my car window down earlier this week, I could see strands of hair blowing out the window the entire drive. I snorted a strand up my nose when I laughed this afternoon. It's funny and troubling at the same time.
I'm okay with being bald, in theory. I'm fine with donning scarves and rocking hats for the summer. What I'm struggling with is that right now, when I go out on my good days, the whole world doesn't know I'm sick. I feel like when my hair is gone, I'll have a giant neon sign over my head blaring "cancer patient".
I've tried to come up with ways to make this fun. Anna and Henry will be my barbers when the time comes. Anna is unbelievably (freakishly) excited about this. Reflecting on her bedside manner as a toddler doctor, this was maybe not my best plan of action! I've bought myself some fun scarves to wear and found some different ways to tie them on YouTube. We're planning to draw Voldemort's face on the back of my head, wrapped under a purple turban a-la-Quirrell from the first Harry Potter (NERD POWER!). But now that the time is getting close, I'm a lot less excited than I hoped I would be.
It seems like cancer has very quickly stripped a lot of things I love from my life. I had to give up my volunteer work at school, teaching Sunday school at church, running and Jiu-jitsu, working in the library, often even existing outside of my bed. And now my appearance is going to change and it's one more thing that I have no control over.
One of the prayers in our church service this morning included a line about facing challenges with patience as God works His will in our lives. Heard that one, God! I'm trying! I'm trying to remember this is a temporary situation. That in a few months I won't have to go for chemo any more. That my hair will grow back. That I can rejoin my workout groups and rebuild my running. I'm not giving up any of these things forever.
But, man, I feel like Squirt the turtle in Finding Nemo when he jumps out of the East Australian Current. I can see all of life still speeding past me while I'm just sitting there, still, in the water. And it is SO FRUSTRATING.
And now I'm going to be bald like Squirt the turtle too?! Aaarggghhh! I don't want this! But I have it. So...
Whether I want it or not, my hair is falling out. And shaving is imminent. I think it needs to happen soon. Every meal I cooked this weekend had my hairs in it (as did the custard I dished up for my kids as a snack this afternoon). It's everywhere. Help me decide - when am I shaving this rapidly shedding mop of mine?
Sunday, May 20, 2018
Monday, May 14, 2018
Revising My Goals for 2018
Every year on New Year's Eve, it's tradition that I set goals for myself for the year ahead. My goals for 2018 were:
*Run 360 Miles
*Bike 500 Miles
*Swim a whole bunch of yards
*Visit 3 National Parks
*Read 55 books
Needless to say, the athletic goals have taken a major back seat, as breathing is not currently my strongest skill. Working on that! But that doesn't mean I can't readjust and still set some goals for myself to work toward while I'm kicking cancer to the curb!
*Learn to knit a sock - this is proving challenging. I may add a second sock if I can ever get the first one to turn out.
*Read 65 books - Thanks to many, many sick days and hours of waiting at doctor appointments I'm already finished with 27 books for this year. I think 65 is an achievable challenge.
*Use my downtime to connect with and encourage others - I have so much time to check in with friends, and I want to use that to my fullest ability. I love keeping in touch with people, so this will be a good one for me.
*Make memories with my kids - My mobility may be more limited, but I can still do things like teach Anna how to sew and color with Henry. We can comb the back yard for bugs and fill the kiddie pool for Ginny to splash in. There are plenty of adventures to be had this summer, and I plan to enjoy them!
I don't like having to give up my original plans for this year. Plans to be outside and active, traveling, moving far beyond the reaches of my couch and bed. But I'm starting to see the value in putting that off and focusing on the things I can do while I recover. It's OK to move things around, to take a step back from the busy-ness of my life, which I love, to focus on getting better. And I can still have fun and achieve things while I rest!
*Run 360 Miles
*Bike 500 Miles
*Swim a whole bunch of yards
*Visit 3 National Parks
*Read 55 books
Needless to say, the athletic goals have taken a major back seat, as breathing is not currently my strongest skill. Working on that! But that doesn't mean I can't readjust and still set some goals for myself to work toward while I'm kicking cancer to the curb!
*Learn to knit a sock - this is proving challenging. I may add a second sock if I can ever get the first one to turn out.
*Read 65 books - Thanks to many, many sick days and hours of waiting at doctor appointments I'm already finished with 27 books for this year. I think 65 is an achievable challenge.
*Use my downtime to connect with and encourage others - I have so much time to check in with friends, and I want to use that to my fullest ability. I love keeping in touch with people, so this will be a good one for me.
*Make memories with my kids - My mobility may be more limited, but I can still do things like teach Anna how to sew and color with Henry. We can comb the back yard for bugs and fill the kiddie pool for Ginny to splash in. There are plenty of adventures to be had this summer, and I plan to enjoy them!
I don't like having to give up my original plans for this year. Plans to be outside and active, traveling, moving far beyond the reaches of my couch and bed. But I'm starting to see the value in putting that off and focusing on the things I can do while I recover. It's OK to move things around, to take a step back from the busy-ness of my life, which I love, to focus on getting better. And I can still have fun and achieve things while I rest!
Tuesday, May 8, 2018
It's Just Cancer!
I haven't blogged in 3 years. I used to write up all my funny kid stories here, but when my kids started getting old enough to read, I felt weird sharing their stories. Now I'm going to use this space as a way to keep track of an entirely different adventure. And yes, I'm looking at it as an adventure. Not always pleasant, but certainly still an adventure.
I have Nodular Sclerosing Hodgkin's Lymphoma. What on earth possessed my body to go and get cancer? I have no idea. But here we are. I was diagnosed about 3 weeks ago and life has been a bit of a whirlwind since then. I've had 1 round of chemo, 2 surgeries, 2 chest x-rays, 2 CT scans, a PET scan, an echocardiogram, a pulmonary function test, 2 visits to the ER for breathing issues and countless blood tests since then. I've googled more versions of "symptoms of lymphoma" and "tips to survive chemo" and "recurrence rates of Hodgkin's Lymphoma" than I can count. I've been terrified, numb, angry, sad, hopeful, and happier than I ever thought I could be in a situation like this. I'm a future cancer survivor, a current cancer warrior.
During my second visit to the ER for some difficulty breathing and strange heart rhythms (looking back, I'm almost certain it was a panic attack), the doctor on call had a look at all my tests and came back to the room to tell me, "Good news - It's just cancer!" Betcha don't get to say that often, do ya?! They were concerned about blood clots on my lungs, but, no. It was just that pesky cancer, nothing more serious (!!). But I kind of love that statement. It's just cancer. It's not a death sentence (for me, it's curable, which I am unspeakably grateful for!). It's just a temporary part of life that's going to show me how many amazing people God has surrounding me. Have you ever had hundreds of people praying for you? It's a feeling I can't describe. It would be impossible for me to sink with this many people keeping me afloat.
The kids are doing well with everything. I think they are feeling big things that are coming out in different ways - moodiness, clingy-ness. But it's all understandable. We are being very open with them and making family time a priority now more than ever. I actually feel like things with our family are really, really good right now. (And if you have to endure a crisis, Andy is the man you want by your side, let me tell you!)
I had my first round of chemo a week and a half ago. the actual receiving of the chemo drugs is kind of a relaxing experience. My port is a GODSEND - IVs in my arms make me really woozy. I can't stand to look at them or feel the pulling of the tubing. BLECH! With the port, I get one stick for the whole visit. Then I sit in the recliner for hours with my fluffy socks and fuzzy blanket, sipping ice water and reading whatever my little heart desires. (I am going to blow my reading goal out of the water this year!). Thanks to a regimen of steroids (evil bastards) and anti-nausea meds, I don't feel much of anything for a day or 2 after chemo. Just an icky taste in my mouth and some fatigue. But days 3-5 are rough as I come down off the steroids. Then I get an entire week of feeling pretty close to normal before I do it again.
I'm going to sound ridiculous. But I GET A WHOLE WEEK OF FEELING SEMI-NORMAL!!! I really thought I was going to spend the next 6 months feeling nauseous, huddled on my couch. But I can still have a life in between treatments! I can still be with my kids and play with my dog and cook and go to church and have friends over to visit, and, and, and... The amount of happiness I feel about this is crazy.
I'd like to use this blog to keep everyone updated on how things are going with my treatment. I will have 12 total rounds of chemo (1 down already!), every other Friday. Round 2 is at the end of this week. I love hearing from people, so please don't hesitate to email or text or call! I silence my phone if I'm sleeping, but I'll respond when I can. I'm really excited to kick this in the butt and get back to normal life.
After all, it's just cancer. :)
I have Nodular Sclerosing Hodgkin's Lymphoma. What on earth possessed my body to go and get cancer? I have no idea. But here we are. I was diagnosed about 3 weeks ago and life has been a bit of a whirlwind since then. I've had 1 round of chemo, 2 surgeries, 2 chest x-rays, 2 CT scans, a PET scan, an echocardiogram, a pulmonary function test, 2 visits to the ER for breathing issues and countless blood tests since then. I've googled more versions of "symptoms of lymphoma" and "tips to survive chemo" and "recurrence rates of Hodgkin's Lymphoma" than I can count. I've been terrified, numb, angry, sad, hopeful, and happier than I ever thought I could be in a situation like this. I'm a future cancer survivor, a current cancer warrior.
During my second visit to the ER for some difficulty breathing and strange heart rhythms (looking back, I'm almost certain it was a panic attack), the doctor on call had a look at all my tests and came back to the room to tell me, "Good news - It's just cancer!" Betcha don't get to say that often, do ya?! They were concerned about blood clots on my lungs, but, no. It was just that pesky cancer, nothing more serious (!!). But I kind of love that statement. It's just cancer. It's not a death sentence (for me, it's curable, which I am unspeakably grateful for!). It's just a temporary part of life that's going to show me how many amazing people God has surrounding me. Have you ever had hundreds of people praying for you? It's a feeling I can't describe. It would be impossible for me to sink with this many people keeping me afloat.
The kids are doing well with everything. I think they are feeling big things that are coming out in different ways - moodiness, clingy-ness. But it's all understandable. We are being very open with them and making family time a priority now more than ever. I actually feel like things with our family are really, really good right now. (And if you have to endure a crisis, Andy is the man you want by your side, let me tell you!)
I had my first round of chemo a week and a half ago. the actual receiving of the chemo drugs is kind of a relaxing experience. My port is a GODSEND - IVs in my arms make me really woozy. I can't stand to look at them or feel the pulling of the tubing. BLECH! With the port, I get one stick for the whole visit. Then I sit in the recliner for hours with my fluffy socks and fuzzy blanket, sipping ice water and reading whatever my little heart desires. (I am going to blow my reading goal out of the water this year!). Thanks to a regimen of steroids (evil bastards) and anti-nausea meds, I don't feel much of anything for a day or 2 after chemo. Just an icky taste in my mouth and some fatigue. But days 3-5 are rough as I come down off the steroids. Then I get an entire week of feeling pretty close to normal before I do it again.
I'm going to sound ridiculous. But I GET A WHOLE WEEK OF FEELING SEMI-NORMAL!!! I really thought I was going to spend the next 6 months feeling nauseous, huddled on my couch. But I can still have a life in between treatments! I can still be with my kids and play with my dog and cook and go to church and have friends over to visit, and, and, and... The amount of happiness I feel about this is crazy.
I'd like to use this blog to keep everyone updated on how things are going with my treatment. I will have 12 total rounds of chemo (1 down already!), every other Friday. Round 2 is at the end of this week. I love hearing from people, so please don't hesitate to email or text or call! I silence my phone if I'm sleeping, but I'll respond when I can. I'm really excited to kick this in the butt and get back to normal life.
After all, it's just cancer. :)
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