We're STILL Doing This

I'm more than halfway through chemo. And while I'm glad, I'm also a whiny brat who just wants to BE DONE NOW! I'm to the point that on my good weeks I don't feel like I'm sick beyond the usual fatigue. So it feels like torture having to turn myself in for another treatment every two weeks.

That's dramatic. It doesn't feel like torture. But it is unpleasant and something I definitely don't ever want to do again. Five more treatments. I can do this. I CAN, but I don't WANT to. Isn't that life, though?

I've gained a lot of weight through a delightful combination of steroids, stress eating and delicious desserts brought by caring friends. I'm not sorry - I love brownies. But with the absence of consistent workouts, the pounds are piling on. I know this is better than losing weight uncontrollably, which I was also doing in the beginning of this whole business. But now that I've gained back everything I lost and kept off a few years ago, I'm anxious to tackle it and get my body back into shape. Between that and my hair situation, I think my self-esteem is at an all-time low.

This is not a cry for compliments. Just where I'm at mentally in this illness/monstrosity. I know it will get better when I can start running/working out consistently again. I want to look back on this a year from now and be like, "yeah, took care of that business, let's do a triathlon!" But for now...this is what it is.

I found out from my labs this morning that my immune system, which has up to now been hanging on by a thread, is beginning to tank. It's expected. But it's also coinciding perfectly with my kids going back to school in 2.5 weeks. This has me very nervous, as a hospital stay is about the last thing I want (next only to ever seeing the doctor who did my second port surgery again). Hand sanitizer is the name of the game for the foreseeable future. SANITIZE EVERYTHING! ALL THE TIME! The kids love me...

So this is where I am now. Just very "eh" about everything. We survived the summer - today was my last treatment with my kids home on summer break. Five more and I'm done. It doesn't sound like a lot, but as I'm staring down the barrel of 5 days in bed/on the couch, it sounds insurmountable. I know I'll take it one day at a time like I always do, but, dang - CANCER IS ANNOYING. Chemo is annoying. Everything is annoying. The end.