I had the very strange experience this week of looking at a pre-cancer picture of myself and not recognizing the person in the photo as me. So much has changed - my hair, my weight, my eyebrows/eyelashes, my activities that defined my days, my energy, my outlook on so many things, my innocent belief that I'm invincible against horrible health things that only happen to "other people". In a lot of ways, I'm not the person in that photo any more. It's disorienting.
I know ultimately, I'm the same person deep down, and things will go back to normal. But I've been living in crisis mode for so many months now, that it's hard to remember which direction is up. I just want to put my life back together. I want to not feel awful any more. I want to not feel so exhausted and so incredibly lonely.
By the time this is done, I will have spent 6 months of my life dealing with cancer. That's a long pause. It's a long time of feeling not like me for a majority of that time. I'm so scared that I won't be able to get back to me. That my husband won't get his normal wife back, my kids won't get their normal mom back, that this whole experience will have changed me into someone that I don't recognize. Permanently.
I know I have only 3 chemo sessions left. But today I am mad. I'm so mad. I don't want this. I didn't ask for this. Or do anything to deserve this. My kids don't deserve to have a mom who's in so much pain and nausea that they can't even sit on the bed next to me. My husband doesn't deserve to have to act as a single parent every other week. THIS IS NOT FAIR. I HATE THIS. I JUST WANT TO BE DONE WITH CANCER. I want to be me again.
Ugh. I don't even have the energy to end this post on a positive note.
Hooray for honesty! And a real record to look back on down the road when you’ve achieved your normal! You’re allowed the frustration and anger and sadness and irritation. This situation is crap. And it’s hard. And it has caused a lot of hard for the people nearest and dearest to you. And you got no say. All of that is hard and it sucks. (To be fair, if you did get a say and chose this...you’d be a huge jerk. 😉) just because it will get better and you’ll achieve a new normal doesn’t negate the current circumstances. Feel your feelings!!! (I should tell my counselor that I’ve finally learned that lesson...)
ReplyDeleteYou’re right, Claudia. It is hard. All of it. But it’s not permanent and there will be a normal after this.
DeleteI should make another appointment with my counselor. She gave me this really awesome analogy for talking to my kids (and myself) about the bad feelings that come with this process. Pretend they’re knocking at the front door of a house (you are the house). You let them in. You don’t close and lock the door and let them stay forever. You walk them through the house and let them out the back door. You have to let yourself process the bad stuff as well as the good. Even if it sucks. But them let it go and move on.
All that to say, today has been a new day and I’m not feeling too terribly. I even did a couple loads of laundry (exciting!). Thanks for your support and kindness. I’m so grateful for every one of my friends and family.